Death & Libido


I am incredibly grateful to have recorded the Turn Me On podcast. When I was first asked, I wasn’t sure I’d have anything more than ordinary to talk about. On reflection, I soon realized that my best stories involve colliding intensely and briefly, with strangers and friends from around the world, in the form of physical intimacy. When you live honestly and reach the limits of verbal communication, what else could you possibly do? Often it’s the only thing that makes sense. 

That said, living a life of inhibition and pleasure seeking has meant I’ve had to redefine intimacy in my own life and expressing it to romantic partners has been problematic. I’m not much for monogamy and feel like having children would be tantamount to leaving granola wrappers on a campsite, which separates me from much of the population. Especially after the passing of my mother, I’ve had a difficult time inviting people into my personal living space and find it hard to cohabitate. How ironic that I’m unafraid to lay bare with a person but feel violated by someone rummaging around in my book shelf or medicine cabinet.

I’ve come to understand that these complexities, even mazes, of backwards and unorthodox intimacy issues are what define me. I can’t imagine I’ll stop seeking out experiences for their own sake, but it can certainly be a winding, lonely and pock-marked road. I wouldn’t trade it for anything because between the sheets, I often feel like my best self; thoughtful, attentive, strong, confident, empathetic. I’ll take that over the clothed hard light of day any time.

- Pat

Jeremie Saunders