Poly Family Vacation & Coming Out as The "Other Woman"

While waiting for Jeremie to record this Foreplay, Bryde and I sit in their kitchen having a cup of tea, discussing freely the various ways our vagina’s have been giving us trouble lately. I sat comfortably, feeling natural and normal in Bryde’s presence, chatting casually about such an intimate subject. “Finally” I thought. For so many months before I would awkwardly trip over my words and rush out the door when Bryde came home, messaging Jeremie later annoyed with myself that “I can’t just be normal around her,” this magnificent woman who lovingly shares her husbands love with me intimidates the hell out of me. “It will come with time” Jeremie would always assure me. And here we are, our first “family” vacation in the bag and I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin around my boyfriend’s wife.

The day at the beach in PEI is a day I will never forget. Sitting on the red sands of PEI’s “Pogey Beach," I am in my element. I love the ocean, it always seems to bring out the child in me. I become playful, care free, in awe of everything and let go of the adult insecurities I’ve collected over the years. Bryde and I laugh as we play with Bigby (Bryde and Jeremie's dog) in the water, splashing and jumping about. We all share a bottle of wine on the beach recalling the drunken mess we all were the evening previous. Todd jumps in the water and Jeremie slowly wades in, much like Bigby, not wanting to get fully in but just enough to cool off. Bryde looks at me and I nod as she says “lets push him in." We run towards Jeremie tackling him into the salt water. Later as we’re basking in the sun we decide to turn a very hung over Todd into a sand mermaid, and finish the day off with some acro yoga (how little Bryde lifted me, I’m unsure) with Jeremie guiding and assisting us. As the day ended I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of love and connectedness. For those of you who had the chance to listen to my first Foreplay segment on the podcast I expressed that from the very beginning I cared for Bryde, even before meeting her. On the drive back from the beach I looked at Jeremie and confessed “I fell in love with your wife today.” I couldn’t be happier with how this trip went and how close we’ve all become. I am so grateful for these humans that make up my little poly family.

I’ve always been free spirited and open minded with little need for normalcy, so it came with little surprise to my friends and sister that I am dating a married man (the ethical way). “Coming out”, (which I don’t particularly like the sound of, as I’m more just explaining the structure of my current relationship to my family rather than labelling myself as polyamorous) came in parts. My sister was the first of my family to know being the closest to me. I told her early on not knowing the seriousness that this relationship would turn out to be. Fast forward a few weeks, I am fully committed to Jeremie, we’ve fallen deeply in love, and spending more time together than not. My mother, down South for the winter, sends my sister and I a long message stating she’s feeling distant from us, wanting to know whats going on in our lives, it went on and on, pulling on my heart strings for keeping this secret from her. It’s as if she knew - mothers intuition right? I explained the situation... Her response: “You’re joking right?” To be fair I often tell my mom fabricated, wild stories to shock her for my own sadistic pleasure, but assured her this was not one of those stories. After a long chat, answering all her questions, “Yes his wife knows, I’ve met her. We actually get along quite well” she reluctantly stated “Well, I don’t get it, but I trust you. I’m just worried you’ll get heart broken.” Tell me a relationship where heart break isn’t a risk and sign me up! Or don’t, because whats love without risk? Knowing my mother I asked her not to tell her boyfriend and friends just yet as I pictured it being discussed in a very gossipy manner, something I was/am not comfortable with.

It took a while for my mom to be comfortable with the idea of me dating a polygamous man, and I’m not sure she is 100% there yet. She’s gone from calling him my “friend” to asking about him by name, expressing more and more interest in him, what he’s up to, and meeting him. I can now talk about our relationship with ease with her and not feel as though I am being judged. She see’s how great Jeremie has been for me, that I am happy, and in a loving and healthy relationship. Your family may also surprise you by their reaction. I kept my relationship from my dad, mostly because we’re not that close so it was easy to steer away from relationship conversations and I just didn’t feel like having that conversation all over again. Months into the relationship I was home visiting my dad and he asked me about my dating life. I laughed and said “well, it’s a little complicated” with a red face I explained the dynamics of my relationship, told him a bit about Jeremie and how great our relationship has been. My dad thought it was great. “As long as everyone involved is in the know and happy I don’t see why someone can’t love more than one person.” He, the last of my family to know, was the most supportive and understanding, almost more surprised that more people aren’t in polyamorous relationships.

I think the most important thing I can share with anyone who is unsure how to come out to their family about the dynamics of their relationship is this: start with the most important part, this is a happy, healthy relationship, everyone involved knows and is ok with it, and I am enjoying myself. Your family may not understand, it may not be for them, but if they can see that you are happy, being fulfilled, and are not doing anything to hurt another individual, they’ll trust you. And if they don’t, they may need some more information. Expect lots of questions and unfortunately a few assumptions, answer these and correct any wrong assumptions with a patient tone. Ultimately they should want what is best for you, so it’s up to you to show them that this in fact is what is best for you in this moment and with time hopefully they will come around, if not, thats okay too. Be confident in yourself and the decisions you make, this is your relationship, your love, your life.

Stay freaky TMO fans. Love always, Bekah

Jeremie Saunders