Everybody Else Wants Sex, I'd Be Good With Cake
When I first started dating I thought sex was boring, and that most women thought sex was boring. Turns out that I'm asexual and have a very low sex drive.
Turns out that I'm asexual and have a very low sex drive.
For the first 4-5 years of my sex life (which started at 19) I thought there was something wrong with me. My boyfriend at the time looooved sex, wanted to only do that and nothing else all the time. It got to the point that I was having to fake, not only every orgasm, but enthusiasm for sex every time. When he and I separated I thought I missed sex, but in reality I missed my relationship with another human, if not that human specifically. Discovering the true depth of asexuality (thanks Tumblr!) was a huge relief. Here was shared experiences by other people that I wasn't broken in any way, but like them!
As much of a relief as discovering the hidden depths of asexuality has been, it's also been a struggle to find exactly what kind of asexual I am. What kind? Not the only type portrayed by media; the guy who prefers his interests over girls or the girl who just sits in a corner all day with her books and tells boys to go away. For instance, I have a sex drive with no direction, and a partner that I have sex with but am not sexually attracted to. My libido comes and goes in waves and I can use up a week's worth of “stored” libido energy in one day of marathon sex and be good for a week or two (or a month, depending). Lucky for my partner I'm very open about him having sex with other people; it's the emotional connection between us that I care about.
Which isn't to say that the above types don't exist, but because that's the only type of asexuality I was exposed to as a youth, that was the only way I thought there was. Asexual, aromantic, sex repulsed. That's not me, so I thought asexual wasn't me either.
It's also difficult to find welcoming spaces. Thanks to the internet I've been fortunate to find a great group of people in the places I've lived, but a lot of places both online and off are not as welcoming. There's a lot of discourse about whether or not asexual people belong in the queer umbrella, some going so far as to actively push out asexual to make room for allies. One of the ongoing struggles of the ace (and aromantic-aro) communities has been to get recognition and acceptance among official queer representation. Recently a popular clothing retailer actively sold a bag that completely erased asexual and posted ally as the A in LGBTQA.
There's many layers to asexuality, just like there are for cake, and while I can only speak for the layers I've encountered, hopefully this episode will help open doors for those struggling with not knowing what they may identify as. And while I enjoy sex sometimes, sometimes I'd just rather have cake.