Was I Born Gay?

At one point in my childhood I was fascinated by the realization that someone out there got to name the colours of crayons. All of a sudden, purple was no longer just purple, it was 'lavender', or 'purple heart'; green was also 'inchworm', or 'shamrock'. It was, from that point forward, my dream job to be the Crayola Crayon Naming King.

Fast forward 20 years, and now I'm sticking crayons up my butt.

Oops sorry, that's not the point. What I meant to write was now I feel this same colour naming process is a metaphor for creating identity around sexuality. Perhaps, in one way or another, this has already crossed your mind, too. Blue is no longer just blue, nor is heterosexual just 'straight'. Let's call it the 50 shades of gay. Ha ha.

If you listen to this podcast, there is a chance that something we discuss will trigger you; or god forbid offend you. Let me use this space as a chance to express that my opinion is simply a perspective on my own personal experience with sexuality. I believe we are all born with natural instincts and urges, but also believe they can be subject to social conditioning. Individually, we have different sexual orientations, but at what point is this just a comfort zone to identify with and attach to? Can you see how this can be self-limiting? Lately I have been trying to push those boundaries in hopes of exploring my self and others in the process.

Most of my confusion in coming out as gay stems from the fact that I was sexually active with males long before I hit puberty. These prior encounters seemingly created a momentum, and when my peers began to explore sex, I became unsure if I was actually gay, or just comfortable in the routine of taking it up the ass.

I still question this, but am now confident in honouring an attraction when I sense one, be it physical, mental, emotional etc. Although I tend to be more physically attracted to a male figure, and a masculine energy, I still have mad love for the female form and yin energy. I am working on being more open and vulnerable in exploring this new territory called the female body.

One thing that crossed my mind after re-listening to the podcast episode was the torture endured by the victims of sexual reconditioning. I'm sure you've read or heard the stories of men and women being beaten and starved into resubmitting to heterosexual tendencies. This isn't what I am alluding to when I question whether sexuality is a natural vs. nurture topic. I'm just assessing whether we just pick a fork in the 'gay-straight' road and run without looking back. Maybe instead of a road, we can let it be a big pool and all just float around together and diddle the people we connect with. I just said diddle.

I hope you take a moment and listen to the podcast. But not just to listen and move on... Comment with your own thoughts and experiences. Enlighten us! Together we can break down some of these barriers that keep us so divided and small.

- Andrew 

Jeremie Saunders